Still climbing up

Dear Lord,

18 yrs without a drink or a drug is nothing short of a miracle and the grace of God.  Thank You God for giving me the willingness and perseverance to walk the path You offered me, as a way up and out.  I’m still climbing and trying my darnedest to grow up and take responsibility for everything You have given me, learning acceptance and relief for everything You have taken, learning to better appreciate the miles covered and those left to go.  I have been a lousy example of a miracle, but miracle I surely am.   With each passing day I grow more and more humbled by my undeserved escape from the cascade of poor choices and extreme lack of confidence in my ability to do more than destroy myself.  I cannot believe I was spared. Nothing in me would warrant it, lest Your love for me and some strange scintilla of willingness to sacrifice every easier path for the hardest one of all, the one that might ensure enduring hope, that I can keep trying, even when I’m tired, even when my own character repulses me, even when the cards I’ve been dealt seem impossible to play.  How is it that I have this tiny ember of hope that whispers to keep trying, telling me I can get better, I can be stronger, I can become able to endure, and endure well and maybe even offer the best parts of me to those people You have placed in my care.  Thank You God for the ever growing ability to let go of unsuitable cargo, both in myself and in my life.  Thank You God for never asking first, before my eyes are opened and duty laid at my feet. I pray I become more and more brave, more and more honest, more and more disciplined, more and more of who I could be, instead of who I’m content with being.  Let the nature of discontent continue to drive me to a clearer vision of myself and other people and the vigilance to seek ever higher ground.  Let me be someone my girls can be proud of and respect.  Let me be someone my husband can adore and admire.  Let me be someone who is worthy of saving …. and may I never tire of embracing all that this entails.  

I say this in reverence of Your ultimate wisdom and perfect timing and in Jesus name I pray, Amen

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